When It’s Time to Walk Away

BY RACHEL WONG

Of all the relationships I’ve been in and the breakups that have followed, one in particular stands out as leaving the deepest scar.

Adrian* was everything that I had wanted in a guy: he was driven, motivated, intelligent, funny, and accepting of my flaws. But from previous relationships, I had learned a lot about myself and what I wanted, and the biggest lesson that stuck with me was to take things slow.

Both Adrian and I vocalized this concern to each other. We promised that we wouldn’t rush into anything because we wanted to take the time to get to know each other well before things got serious.

Needless to say, that didn’t end up happening. We both got caught up in the relationship quickly, falling head over heels before we could even remind ourselves of the agreement we had made to each other. I trusted him with my deepest and darkest secrets, and I was so certain that he was the one for me. We even made plans about our future together, from where we would study after high school to what countries we would visit once we saved enough money.

Heartbreak’s Growing Pains

BY STEPHANIE BERTOLO

With a little over a year having passed since my first significant relationship ended, I feel as though this is a good time to reflect back on it.

It was young love – filled with all of the passion and awkwardness it entails.

He was a year my senior, with the confidence and class of Cary Grant. He was effortlessly intelligent and brilliantly artistic. In my eyes, he was the closest man you could find to perfection and I fell so incredibly hard. Of course, when he began to take an interest in me, it was as though I was living in a dream.

Our time together was wonderful. We adventured in graveyards and on railways tracks, exchanged love letters for lockets, carved pumpkins, and watched silent movies. We adored each other so greatly. So when he suddenly called it quits, I was heartbroken. He told me: “I fell out of love as quickly as I fell in it.”

Stay Close To Anything That Makes You Glad You Are Alive

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

I’ve made much of my desire to keep everyone I’ve ever loved in my life, no matter what. It is one of the most unique things about me, although I only started to realize that relatively recently.

In the spirit of that, on Saturday I decided to see someone I haven’t seen in 3 months, an ex-boyfriend of mine who I had dated earlier this year but also one of my best friends. I heard he had a new girlfriend and I was upset for two reasons – one, because he doesn’t enter into relationships easily or frequently so therefore I had thought I was special, and two, because I was afraid that this would mean I’d lose him permanently.

I disappeared 3 months ago because I didn’t feel like I was always being treated with respect and sensitivity, and I realized that I needed some time to try to get over him, or I risked ruining our friendship.

The outcome I predicted was this: He would be hurt at first, and he would miss me. He would either miss me so much that he would realize he wanted to be with me after all, or he would come to understand why I did what I did and give me the time I needed because it was what was best for me (and us). Either way, I thought that I could come back when I was ready and he would be so happy to see me again. I even fucking thought he might eventually be proud of me for finally taking care of myself.

Needless to say, it didn’t go that way. I don’t think my expectations were unrealistic, though he would say they were. Based on our friendship, in which we talked every single day and saw each other several times a week, I thought that at the very least he loved me as a person. And for me, love does not end. Ever. I’ve also been in similar situations before where either I or the other person was totally understanding.

I Just Can’t Even (An Apology)

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

Lately, I seem to have been robbed of my ability to even.

By that I mean do ANYTHING whatsoever that isn’t mandatory or requires energy. I’ve spent A LOT of time sitting in my office or on my bed staring at the ceiling. Or the walls. Or a screen. Or the cat. Anything, really.

Even Queen B has her bad days.

I have not spent enough time doing work or taking care of myself. I’m miserably behind at work, frequently late, and my boss is not impressed with me. I can’t seem to do tasks like remembering to pay rent and eat food and oh my god return all the clothes you bought online that don’t fit, you complete moron, despite having thoughts like that over and over again. I’m pretty sure I haven’t done the dishes in three weeks. The Amazing Charlotte (yup, that’s her name now) came over once and directed my cleaning while playing the Jeopardy theme song, but I can’t exactly rely on that.

All of this has caused me to withdraw from the world, both socially and professionally, IRL and online. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with my two best friends, but other than that I very much want to be alone. I had to prioritize some things over others and make some tough decisions, decisions which have not been fair to those around me, and I feel terrible about those. I can guarantee you that I’ll probably regret them. But they are necessary for now.

Crush(ed)

By Rachel Wong

It’s the feeling of butterflies, millions of them. They start in your heart and begin to fly from your head to your toes and out towards them. You have dreams every night that center around them – from your first date to your first kiss, from their proposal to your wedding day. Every conversation comes back to them, every story is about them, and every spare moment is occupied with them.

Most people have felt something like this at some point in our lives, sometimes more than once. These crushes and dreamboats come in and out of our lives and take up residence in our minds as ‘the one’. But many times, when things don’t work out, we feel devastated and cheated – even though we know that we were never actually entitled to anything. And yet, this sadness eventually fades when suddenly someone new crosses your path.

When I was in the tenth grade I met Jason*. He was two years older than I was, and the only thing that we shared in common was the fact that we both wore glasses. Because of the age gap, we had no reason to talk to one another. Two years doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a lot when you’re in high school. But the universe had other plans for us, and within two months, he began talking to me in the halls and meeting me at my locker. He had the sweetest smile and such a way with words. I had recently experienced a difficult break up, and Jason instantly made me feel better.

I fell in ‘love’, hard.

I became that girl. The girl who would zone out in class and answer with his name. The girl who would feel naked when he wasn’t walking with me to class. The girl who spent her breaks wondering if he loved me or not. This love that I felt for him was so different from anything that I had felt before. Forget about my immature, 15-year-old ex – Jason was a man. Being in love with an older guy made me feel so much better about myself and made me realize what ‘true love’ was.

Of course, since hindsight is 20/20, I realize now that what I felt for Jason was not, in fact, true love, but infatuation. And this crush began to eat me alive.